Two Little Boys After a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. 'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just playing 'church' mommy,' he said. 'I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'
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At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
God had been trying to get my attention for some months, but I was too deep in debt to hear Him. However, it took just one divinely orchestrated incident to put everything in perspective.
I had woken up early to prepare my two little daughters for school. As I tried to put the older one in the bathtub, she saw an ant right there. You would have thought she saw a viper.
All my entreaties to her to put down her feet were ignored: her greatest problem at that point was an ant. To her, an ant was a big deal, but it wasn't to me. I could easily take care of an ant any day. Then I got impatient with her for fearing an ant.
At that point, I had a MountainWings Moment! It was as if I heard an audible voice: "Is that not what you have been doing to me all these past months?"
What? You mean all the debts I thought were big enough to
crush me were like that ant to God? I had to apologize for having a low impression of God.
Today, a few months later, all the debts are gone.
~A MountainWings Original by Sylvester Ojenagbon, Lagos, Nigeria~
In my book Animal Medicine the Ant means Patience.
My Christmas present from me to me was getting my computer up and running after being down for 5 months. I gave myself a bonus and bought a 19" flat screen monitor too.
NEW BOYFRIENDS!!! I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed Then I go to seeJohn. ThenCharlie Horsecomes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis Shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to
stay in one place very long,
he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad To go to bed With Ben Gay. What a life!Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer And thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, Jim Beam, Jose Quervo or JOHNNY WALKER To come and keep me company. Nowremember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and 'Count your blessings!!!!!!!
Hello my friend. The following is likely to be added to my email to you. Do not take it personally. Some are careful to eliminate the forwarding history and email addresses. Some are not. This is information needed by everyone. Please read it.
Feel free to share this correspondence, BUT please delete the forwarding history, which includes my email address!
It is a courtesy to me and others who may not wish to have their email addresses sent all over the world
Erasing the history helps prevent Spammers from mining addresses and viruses from being propagated!
THANK YOU!
Received with thanks from my friend Carey
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 8. It's OK to get angry with God . He can take it. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have noidea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautifulor joyful. 18. Whatever doesn't kill
you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets. Don't save it for a special occasion.Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wearpurple. 24. The most important organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you. 26. Frame
every so-called disaster with these words:'In five years, will this matter?' 27. Always choose life. 28. Forgive everyone and everything. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your
friends will. Stay in touch. (Thank you friends!) 33. Believe in miracles. 34. God loves you because of whom God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of itnow. 36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 41.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all youneed. 42. The best is yet to come. 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 44. Yield. 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift
Question: How many hormonal women does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! Theydon't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the f**king light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILLBE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THAT THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF CRAP THATARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE FREAKING TOILET PAPER
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa , Florida , it was believed that he had
nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem.
Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Missouri ..
The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the
St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent,
poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging
across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses?....What do you see? What are you
thinking......when you're looking at me? A crabby old man, not very wise, Uncertain of habit......with faraway eyes? Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply When you say in a loud voice..'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice the things that you do. And forever is losing..............A sock or shoe? Who, resisting or not.. ........lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding.......The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see? Then open your eyes nurse You're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am........As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding,.....as I eat at your will. I'm a small child of Ten.with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters.........who love one another A young boy of Sixteen.....with wings on his feet Dreaming that soon now.........a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty......my heart gives a
leap. Remembering the vows......that I promised to keep. At Twenty-Five, now........I have young of my own. Who need me to guide, And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty.....My young now grown fast, Bound to each other.......With ties that should last. Forty, my young sons.....have grown and are gone, But my woman's beside me.....to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more,.....Babies play 'round my knee , Again, we know children....My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me..........My wife is now dead. I look at the future............I shudder with dread. For my young are all rearing.....young of their own. And I think of the years....And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel. Tis jest to make old age.....look like a fool. The body, it crumbles.........grace and vigor depart. There is now a stone........where I once had a heart. But inside this old
carcass......A young guy still dwells, And now and again.........my battered heart swells. I remember the joys..............I remember the pain. And I'm loving and living.............life over again.
I think of the years.....all too few......gone too fast. And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last. So open your eyes, people.........open and see. Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at
the young soul within...we will all, one day, be there, too! (Much sooner than we expect to be there.)
PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.
GROWING OLD IS NOT FOR SISSIES! ! !
I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the
light.
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First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
Thanks for sharing my friend. I have Microsoft Office '03,
Luv...Jo
The photos in the presentation are awesome. Yes, it will take Microsoft Power Point to view it. Since some of you don't have this wonderful program, I have added links to get it. Trust me, it is worth it. My friends/neighbors Anna and Nora are just ending a cruise. I doubt they experienced what you will see IF YOU GET POWER POINT.
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your mine.'
Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas ..... Too bad......
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.
The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer.
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as :
NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4..1 ..
Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE ,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default toGrumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's playcenter, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
Received the following from a friend. He took this trip and these are his comments.
Hi Joanne - when K & I did the alaskan trip last june, we took a 20mi trip from Skagway on the white pass rr. the pictures with the green and yellow cars were really representative of the scenery - especially the trestles and curves around the mountains.
what they didn't show you was the mountie station and flags as you crossed from the US into Canada. Also along the side of the tracks in the canyons, was the miners trail for the gold rush of 98. again look at the pictures of the yellow & green cars with the trestles. The miners could not cross into Canada unless they had a pack of 500 pounds. From Skagway to the cdn border was 20 miles over an elevation of 2000 feet through those canyons
TYPE IN a command and see what happens... sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead etc. and...it's also very cute if you type in a command that's not recognized...!!
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
And take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'
(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.... )
The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'
Prayers to Pinky who is undergoing an operation at 1 p.m. today. It is my understanding it is a knee replacement and will be immobile for a few days and unable to get to her computer.
LOOKOUT FOR THE LAST STORY....IT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was:
A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'
*********************************************
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..'
'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child.
'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
*********************************************
On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a smile.
'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.'
'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face...
'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'
*********************************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
*********************************************
An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Thenhe married the one with the biggest tits.
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